Friday, June 1, 2012

I Wanted to Sceam...Pure and Simple

This was me!
            After the last week and a half, all I want to do is scream.  It has been the most stressful few days that I have endured in two years.  To put it simply my job was on the line.  I may be an Indie Author, but I have to pay the bills, and I have to be honest, I'm not going to do it selling my books, at least not yet.  I, like, almost five thousand of my co-workers lived with this same stress.

           I walked around with little sleep, almost in haze like I was drunk.  I would go from being nauseated to having chest pains, and at one point I was near panic.  My mood ranged from being almost giddy from lack of sleep to being mean and hateful for no real reason.  The worst part was the feeling of helplessness, and the fact that my fate, and my family's was being decided behind a closed door, and I had no say in it at all.  It's quite frustrating to say the least.

            At first all we heard was a few rumors here and there, then you start to hear more and more. I must admit I don't put a lot of faith in rumors, but at the same time I have been through this before.  The facility I worked in before my current job closed.  Fortunately I was able to get a new job before the facility closed, but then, like now I heard rumors too.  What's more this was not the first time there had been layoffs at my current job, the last time was, you guessed it, two years ago.

            For the longest time I did not believe the rumors at my first job, that the place was closing, but at some point it occurred to me that the rumors must be coming from somewhere, so I decided to jump ship the first chance I got.  It was the right thing to do.  The case was the same this time too, but this time, for some reason I believed most of the rumors that I had heard.  I knew, in my heart, that they were true.  Once again, unfortunately, I was right. 

            Everything came to a head on Thursday, May 31.  Many people lost their jobs, including a close friend, but I managed to make it through unscathed.  Once I returned home that night and was finally able to calm down after being wound up like a spring for over a week, I started to think more and more about what had happened, and I thought back to a conversation that I had with several co-workers on Wednesday. 

            Many said that if they kept their jobs and their friends did not, which was likely, that they would feel guilty.  I looked at them honestly, and said I would not.  I would feel bad for them of course, but I'm forced to think about my family first.  In this instance I was wrong.  Though I was thankful I was still working, I did feel a tremendous guilt and humility that I was spared and others were not.  I must be honest I do not feel secure right now, but at least the moment of crisis has past, and I can breathe a little, but it is only prudent to be making plans and exploring other options in case it does happen to me.  I made it through this sort of thing three times now, the fourth time I might not be so lucky.

            I finished the day with a single post on Twitter, that summed up the entire last ten days:  "Bad day.  Thankful saddened and humbled.  That is all."  It could not have been more appropriate.

            At first I thought about writing a short story about this, but I decided against it, though I don't know why.  I think it was because I had no right because I was spared and so many others were not especially my friend.

            Obviously I have gotten nothing done, nor have I even tried to get anything done, on any of my projects for quite a while.  I hope to start back up soon. 

"Bad day.  Thankful saddened and humbled.  That is all."

1 comment:

  1. Just to wish you good luck in all your projects, I'm struggling a little bit, because I'm doing many things other than writing, but you have to promote yourself, right?
    You are missing a "c" on scream.
    I'll talk to you soon, my friend.